The insignificant concerns of an impressionable young adult

Feet

Hello there, it’s been a while hasn’t it? I probably average about two blog posts a year, hah.

It’s been almost two weeks since I finished my exams. How did I do? A lot better than last year for sure, but it still wasn’t what it was supposed to be and once in a while when I think about getting my results (probably in a month and a half’s time) I feel nervous and slightly queasy.

I wish I could say that the past weeks have been relaxing, carefree and maybe even productive, but it was more like just plain laziness. I’ve been doing almost nothing except for some tidying up in my room (more like just moving my mess from one place to another) and having Play-Doh sessions with my niece. I took some pictures here and there but they’re nothing to shout about. I did manage to do a huge load of laundry yesterday, so that’s that.

I feel embarrassed admitting this, but the truth is I’ve been spending a lot of time catching up on social media stuff. You know, just casually peaking into people’s lives. During the few months before my exam I was very eager to try new things and to get in touch with my artistic side (not sure if this even exist?). Now that I finally have the time to, I find myself feeling a little overwhelmed by a “where do I start?” feeling.

I’m a person who can be quite impressionable and easily affected by what I see on social media, so that definitely doesn’t help. The more I’m on it, the further I feel from being where I want to be. It’s kind of like a “the more you know, the more you know you don’t know” type of situation.

It’s almost like I let social media determine the standard of happiness for me. It becomes a list I need to tick off before I can be considered happy – holidays, fancy food, hot bod and thick brows (seriously, when did brows become such a big deal??). This makes me feel somewhat inadequate and almost detached from the life that I’m actually living, which in return makes me question myself as to why I’m so shallow.

Now before you say anything, I know, take it with a pinch of salt right? Whatever people show on social media is what they want you to see and we don’t know what happens behind the perfectly taken shots of daily #ootds and amazing vacation pictures. You know, I get that, and yet somehow that doesn’t really change the way it makes me feel.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I’m obsessed, but it does take up quite a bit of my time. At this point, I know that a possible solution would be for me to get off social media, at least temporarily, to prioritise and focus on things that I actually want and have been planning to do, instead of things I feel like I need to do because hey, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be “cool”, whatever the fuck that means.

I thought about that a couple of times, and each time it kinda ends with a “Nahhh, that’s not necessary.” Is it really not, though? I don’t know.

Because of the way I am, most of the time I have difficulty with staying true to myself. Although our thoughts are almost always a combination of existing elements and influences that surround us, how much is too much?

Social media is a double-edged sword. Approach it with the right attitude, it can be a useful source of information. It makes a person become aware of the possibilities and opportunities that they never knew were available to them. Heck, it could even be a source of motivation to achieve what others have achieved. But with the wrong attitude, it can make the mind of a person a really ugly place – a place full of envy and jealousy. Especially at this stage in our lives where young adults like myself are starting to make a life for themselves, there’s this pressure of not wanting to be the one that has the shittier life and zero plans for the future.

As I scroll down on the endless rows of pictures on Instagram’s “Explore” feed, it feels like almost everyone there is better than me – more creative, better-looking, takes better pictures. So where does that leave me?

I’m pretty fucking tired of this feeling of self-pity.

I think it’s important for me (and anyone who is like me) to realise that it’s really really really not about being the best or even being better than anyone else; it’s really about being the best you can be. If we’re talking about mastering a particular skill, work hard and do the best you can do ; if we’re talking about being pretty, be the prettiest you can be.

Work towards being able to step back and celebrate what you’ve accomplished; to look in the mirror and actually liking what you see.

Although this is starting to sound really cliché and corny and not at all useful, I believe it’s true and that it’s probably the only way for anyone to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Dream big but also dream realistically. Ironic I know, but being practical and reasonable doesn’t necessarily take away your big dreams. Learn what your capabilities are but also be aware of your weaknesses. Most importantly, stay open to the opportunities that come your way.

Although getting off social media for a while may be helpful now, but a change in attitude is what will come in handy in the long run. I don’t want to come off sounding like I have any idea at all what I’m doing with my life, but I want you to know that I am trying to do what I think I should be doing and I’d like to believe that I’m heading in the right direction.

As for those of us who don’t have clear vision of a dream yet, I can’t say for sure, but I think we’ll get there.

Advertisements

The torture of having a fickle mind

IMG_5668

An unrelated self portrait

Happy 2015!

Ahh, a new year. Can’t you just smell that sweet scent of hopes and dreams and positivity? Like something magically great is waiting for you?

Nope. not really.

By now it’s probably quite clear that this blog is a place for me to keep my ugly thoughts; rants, complaints, frustrations. It spreads negativity but what can I say, I’m only inspired to write when I’m unhappy.

***

I feel like I have the world’s most fickle mind and it drives me crazy.

I would make a seemingly important decision, usually something to do with what I want to do with my life or achieving a goal and then change my mind about it almost as soon as I make that decision.

Sometimes I have a few good productive days where I get a lot of work done, it would make me feel that I might be on to something new and exciting and a feeling of satisfaction overwhelms me, like “Hey, you’re finally getting there.” Then shit happens and it can completely throw me 10 steps behind from where I started, leaving me feeling like a hopeless wreck. This happens so often it’s almost funny (except it’s not) and it’s probably something to do with how I’m so insanely easily influenced by my surroundings.

You know what’s the best part? My fickle mind is best friends with my indecisiveness; I can’t decide on what I want because I’m indecisive, and I keep changing my mind about it because I’m so fickle. I swear the both of them are always scheming at the back of my mind on how to make my life a little more miserable. I imagine these to be regular occurrences in my brain:

“Hey, let’s make her think that she can actually pass her exams and then completely take that away from her. I bet that would be hilarious!”
“Genius! Perfect timing since she’s going through that PMS thing now. Do it!”

“Dude, she’s deciding on which cake to get. The red velvet looks terribly dry, let’s make her take forever to decide and then make her pick that one.”
“Sweet! She’s gonna regret it so bad! Hah!”

Absolute dicks, I tell ya’.

This fickle mind of mine (that rhymed so hard I can’t even) makes me confused because every time it takes certainty and confidence away from me, I’m left a little more lost than the previous time. It’s so discouraging and it made me very dispassionate. I came to a point where I was really questioning the point of my life and human lives in general too.

I paid a little more attention to other people’s lives on social media platforms to see how everyone else was going about their lives. We were going on vacations, drinking overpriced coffee at fancy cafes, eating sushi and posting them all over the net, but what are we doing?  Are we just living, day in day out?

It’s a bit depressing to think that some, if not most of us are just going through the motions of living, but I think that that might be the case; getting a job, getting your first pay check, spending that money, getting married, having children, updating Facebook/Instagram, earn more money, spend more money, die.

What’s the point? Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m living this life for myself or someone else.

Well to be fair, no one ever said that there was a point. Frankly, we don’t even know if we’ve been put here for a reason. If you think about it though, it’s not all that relevant. There are many things we can change in the course of our lives but we were never given a choice on life itself; it was just handed to us as a gift we can’t return. Unless for whatever reason I die before my time, I’m going to have way too many years left for me to think that there is no purpose to a human life, so I should be making the best out of it instead (oh god, I cringed at how utterly corny that sounded).

It’s not to say that I’m completely contented with that but I’m going to try my best to be consistent and focus, stay on the right track, have my eyes on the prize etcetera etcetera, all that typical shit. On top of that though, I’m going to try to stay in control of my emotions because god knows if I don’t, it’s going to spiral out of control (like last year).

Napoleon Hill says, “You are the master of your destiny. You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.” Although it kinda makes me wanna go “Wow you really had life figured out there, didn’t you buddy?”, I shall (attempt to) contain the sarcasm and cynicism in me and well, keep that in mind.

Walter Mitty and Me

walter_mitty_quote
Taken from the WalterMittyMovie Instagram account

I haven’t been up to date with movies, which explains why I’ve only watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty about a week ago.

I’ve heard good things about this movie, but I didn’t know much about it before I watched it. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even watched the movie trailer before. Sometimes I like it that way; bigger surprise element.

About half an hour into the movie, where we start to see Walter Mitty’s social awkwardness, indecisiveness and constant daydreaming, I told my Dad, “I think I can relate to this movie.”, in which I really did.

A big part of me was, in fact, Walter Mitty.

I thought the movie was pretty great and I think Ben Stiller did quite a good job in making this film. After finishing the movie I had that empty feeling you get when you finish reading a good book or watching a good movie, the whole “What is this life??” kind of feeling. I thought about the movie a lot for the the next couple of days, remembering scenes and things said in the movie, and of course, David Bowie’s Space Oddity kept on playing in my head; it’s a lovely song.

It made me think about the significance of life experiences. All this while I’ve been obsessed with ‘trying everything once’ and having as many experiences as I possibly can so I could put some kind of purpose or meaning to my life. Like filling out a resume, I wanted to list down all the crazy awesome things that I’ve done with my life, and I wanted that list to be a really long list.

I then tried remembering some of the past experiences I’ve had, for example the 10 months I spent in the UK and my trips to certain parts of Europe while I was there. It occurred to me that I don’t feel much about them. Although it hasn’t even been two years since then, I had to think very hard  to remember significant details about the trips or what happened on them. I mean, don’t get me wrong; they were really fun trips and I enjoyed them a lot, but now they just kind of blend together in a section of my brain that is labelled ‘Places I’ve Been’, and that’s pretty much it.

I’ve always thought that individual lives on this Earth are sadly, quite insignificant. This then makes me wonder, “Are the adventures in life in which I’ve been yearning for overrated?”

This is rather ironic, considering that the movie conveys a completely opposite message. It tells us that we should take chances, go on adventures, grab onto opportunities and basically, let life in. The question is, is there really a point to all this, even after knowing that within a few years, it will all just seem like a blur of memories?

I conclude that there still is.

On past experiences, some may remember more than others, but what I think really matters is what that experience gives you in that moment. Experiences aren’t meant to be remembered (although it would be nice if you do remember), they are meant to be felt, to open up your mind and eyes to another world and to heighten your senses.

Would I rather live a life filled with amazing, enlightening, eye-opening moments? Yes, I would. Do I need to remember everything about them? No, I don’t.

To see what I’ve never seen before; to feel what I’ve never felt before. That is what I want. I may not remember all of everything, but there will be a little bit of everything that will stay with me for as long as I live.

From here on out, I make a promise to myself to say “yes” a lot more often (Would you believe that 80% of the time, my answer is “no”?), to do more of everything (regardless of whether I’m good at them or not) and most of all, to not be so incredibly afraid of the unknown.

I might be a little lost.

IMG_3694_副本

That empty spot between Greg (my guitar) and that bowl of dragon fruit is where I’ve been sitting all day, listening to instrumental study playlists from 8tracks, learning to play a song and typing away here.

It’s been a long time coming, hasn’t it? I wish I could say that I’m back here feeling energized and refreshed and am now full of ideas, but in actual fact I’m just here to rant about things that I’ve kept inside for a long time. It’s something that I can’t really bring myself to talk to anyone in person about because it would come out of my mouth sounding kind of dumb, so here I am.

Before anything else is said, I’d just like to point out that my bed sheet is not an accurate reflection of my personality. I’m not a girly girl, at least, not that much.

 

So I’ve just finished my exams and am now waiting for my results

A few of you may know that sometime last year after a couple of months into my Certificate of Legal Practice course, I suffered from a quarter life crisis when I realized that I have chosen the wrong course to study. It was depressing and I felt like I was losing my mind. It was also quite ridiculous considering the fact that I’ve already gotten my law degree. There was a lot of regret and self-pity at that point, but I managed to snap out of it after a few weeks and made it all the way to my exams. I studied and studied, but during my first paper I blanked out and after finishing my second paper (the easiest one) and realizing that I’ve made a really big and stupid mistake, I lost all willpower to continue sitting for the last three papers. I still dragged myself to the exam hall, but my heart wasn’t in it any more.

Before the exams, I thought that there was at least a 50% chance that I would pass so that I could move on and begin my gap year, but now I’m just sitting here waiting for bad news. Before the exams, I was looking forward to this holiday so much there were times where I couldn’t even contain my excitement, but now I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo. Should I re-sit? Should I just fuck it? What effect would this have on my life later on?

I told myself that after the exam, I wasn’t going to be afraid any more, and that this time I was going to put myself on an adventure, try new things, meet new people, to make things happen for myself and not be socially awkward any more, but now I’m more afraid of failing than ever.

I’ve mentioned this one time on my Facebook before that I have a ridiculous fear of making decisions, and this has made me almost hate making any sort of decision. I avoid it as much as I can and when I actually do need to make one, I change my mind a dozen of times before finally coming to a final decision.

And we’re talking about deciding on really really small things *rolls eyes*

Basically there’s a list of things that I want to do but there are so many things on that list that I can’t even decide on which to start with, so I’m currently not doing any of them. It’s like I keep waiting for something; am I waiting for my results? What exactly am I doing with my fucking life?

A lot of the time I get quite envious of people who are naturally talented (something I’m really trying to work on); someone who can sing very well, someone who can draw very well, or someone who can write very well.

Someone who knows what they want to do with their life.

I wish so much that I had that, because I’m a firm believer that people should do what they love and love what they do. I want so bad to be able to do something really well so that I would have a clearer picture of what I want out of life and the direction I should be in in order to achieve that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful with what I have and most of the time I’m very contented with many other aspects of my life. I’m just really struggling with “finding myself” right now, and there’s an overwhelming fear that that might never happen, or worse still, realizing that there was never really much to find right from the beginning.

On top of all that, I feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers, and that there are already many things that are no longer an option for me, like taking another course, or trying to graduate with another degree.

I’m feeling so restless and uninspired. I want to make a drastic change, but I’m too scared of the unknown.

I am the epitome of a wuss, a wuss trying to run under water; sluggish and heavy because fear pulls me back every time I try to make a change.

***

Well that felt a lot better, hah. I’m happy that I have a place here to let off some frustration. Time for a snack =)

Home is where the Heart is

Image

I think I’ve abandoned this blog long enough now, maybe it’s time to get back on track.

It’s currently 2.30am, and it’s my last night in the room that I’ve spent the last nine months in. I’m supposed to be packing, but here I am.

I remember my first few months in the UK; I was miserable. Homesick and lonely, missing everyone back home. I don’t remember exactly when I started to feel comfortable, but after a while the pieces started to fit, and this place, despite the horrible weather, started to grow on me.

I remember during my final year in high school, people around me started talking about studying abroad, and I never really was able to relate to it. Unlike some of them, who knew for sure that they were meant to leave the country for further studies, I knew for sure that I wasn’t going to go anywhere. I was meant to stay home, close to the people I love. Yet after a couple of years in college, that changed, and here I am, doing something I never even thought I was capable of doing.

How I felt was almost the same feeling I had before I started driving; I simply could not imagine myself behind the wheel, and constantly imagined all the possible ways that I could get into an accident. Just like that, I could not imagine myself being on my own, without my parents staying with me and taking care of me. I know that kind of makes me sound like a spoilt child, but it’s not like that. I’ve just always been close to home, and never experienced anything nearly as drastic as leaving home for nine months. Just the thought scared the hell out of me, and I didn’t think I could even survive.

During Christmas, I was this close to buying a flight ticket back home just so I could be home for couple of weeks. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t, because it would have been such a waste of money, and I wouldn’t be able to experience all four seasons, which is something I do want to experience, although winter was kind of hard to bear.

I guess like everything, it has its good and bad. Although I’d like to think that my time away has made me closer to my parents (I don’t think I’ve ever talked so much with my Mum), it has also taken a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend. Sometimes things are good, other times things get really bad. You hear people say, ‘distance isn’t a problem if two people really love each other’. Well, true, but only to some extent. With the time difference and lack of presence, it can be hard to be there for each other, sometimes when most needed.

Not to mention, love isn’t stagnant, and inevitably people do change, though not necessarily always for the worse. That’s how people grow, and in the end it really boils down to whether the other person cares enough to hang on and make it work.

My boyfriend, for example, definitely changed for the better. He’s becoming the man I always knew he’d be. I, on the other hand, did not do so well. The last couple of weeks I’ve become insensitive, losing sight of what is really important to me. Words started to come out of my mouth sounding all wrong, and it hurts, knowing that I’m hurting someone I hold so dear to my heart.

 

This journey has truly been amazing. Words cannot describe how blessed I am to be given this opportunity (thanks Dad) and it will be a part of my life that I will always look back on and smile. That being said, without a single doubt, I am ready to go home to the people I love, and to be in the arms of the man I love, because home is where the heart is.

 

Virtual Outfit

Image

 

Topshop Mesh Yoke Crop Top
Neon Floral Denim Shorts
Black Patent Leather Eye Clutch
Giuseppe Zanotti High-top sneakers with fringes

I think that’s probably the cutest clutch ever, and maybe also the creepiest. And those sneakers. Damn, I bet walking in them feels super cool with the long fringe and all.

Wishlist Friday

Image

1. Graphic Print Pullover
2. Isabel Marant Vichy Knit Pullover
3. MTWTFSS Weekday Oxy knit sweater Black
4. Cream Gold Sheer Mesh Geometric Knitted Oversized Jumper

I was never really a person who wore long sleeves, like ever. I would wear cardigans but it would always be something sleeveless underneath. I just always think it’s too bloody warm to be wearing something long sleeved. At least if I wore a cardigan over my top if I were to start sweating I could just take the cardigan off.

But, all has changed after moving to a much colder place. I now find the charm in jumpers and I think they’re just effortlessly adorable. Plus they look really nice with skinny jeans and boots, which is what I wear most of the time. It also hides all the weight you put on during winter when you just can’t stop snacking.

Holidays started a while ago and I can’t quite find myself to do the things I’m supposed to do, like my assignment. I’ve been depressed also, for missing home too much. Hopefully things get better as time goes by.