The insignificant concerns of an impressionable young adult

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Hello there, it’s been a while hasn’t it? I probably average about two blog posts a year, hah.

It’s been almost two weeks since I finished my exams. How did I do? A lot better than last year for sure, but it still wasn’t what it was supposed to be and once in a while when I think about getting my results (probably in a month and a half’s time) I feel nervous and slightly queasy.

I wish I could say that the past weeks have been relaxing, carefree and maybe even productive, but it was more like just plain laziness. I’ve been doing almost nothing except for some tidying up in my room (more like just moving my mess from one place to another) and having Play-Doh sessions with my niece. I took some pictures here and there but they’re nothing to shout about. I did manage to do a huge load of laundry yesterday, so that’s that.

I feel embarrassed admitting this, but the truth is I’ve been spending a lot of time catching up on social media stuff. You know, just casually peaking into people’s lives. During the few months before my exam I was very eager to try new things and to get in touch with my artistic side (not sure if this even exist?). Now that I finally have the time to, I find myself feeling a little overwhelmed by a “where do I start?” feeling.

I’m a person who can be quite impressionable and easily affected by what I see on social media, so that definitely doesn’t help. The more I’m on it, the further I feel from being where I want to be. It’s kind of like a “the more you know, the more you know you don’t know” type of situation.

It’s almost like I let social media determine the standard of happiness for me. It becomes a list I need to tick off before I can be considered happy – holidays, fancy food, hot bod and thick brows (seriously, when did brows become such a big deal??). This makes me feel somewhat inadequate and almost detached from the life that I’m actually living, which in return makes me question myself as to why I’m so shallow.

Now before you say anything, I know, take it with a pinch of salt right? Whatever people show on social media is what they want you to see and we don’t know what happens behind the perfectly taken shots of daily #ootds and amazing vacation pictures. You know, I get that, and yet somehow that doesn’t really change the way it makes me feel.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I’m obsessed, but it does take up quite a bit of my time. At this point, I know that a possible solution would be for me to get off social media, at least temporarily, to prioritise and focus on things that I actually want and have been planning to do, instead of things I feel like I need to do because hey, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to be “cool”, whatever the fuck that means.

I thought about that a couple of times, and each time it kinda ends with a “Nahhh, that’s not necessary.” Is it really not, though? I don’t know.

Because of the way I am, most of the time I have difficulty with staying true to myself. Although our thoughts are almost always a combination of existing elements and influences that surround us, how much is too much?

Social media is a double-edged sword. Approach it with the right attitude, it can be a useful source of information. It makes a person become aware of the possibilities and opportunities that they never knew were available to them. Heck, it could even be a source of motivation to achieve what others have achieved. But with the wrong attitude, it can make the mind of a person a really ugly place – a place full of envy and jealousy. Especially at this stage in our lives where young adults like myself are starting to make a life for themselves, there’s this pressure of not wanting to be the one that has the shittier life and zero plans for the future.

As I scroll down on the endless rows of pictures on Instagram’s “Explore” feed, it feels like almost everyone there is better than me – more creative, better-looking, takes better pictures. So where does that leave me?

I’m pretty fucking tired of this feeling of self-pity.

I think it’s important for me (and anyone who is like me) to realise that it’s really really really not about being the best or even being better than anyone else; it’s really about being the best you can be. If we’re talking about mastering a particular skill, work hard and do the best you can do ; if we’re talking about being pretty, be the prettiest you can be.

Work towards being able to step back and celebrate what you’ve accomplished; to look in the mirror and actually liking what you see.

Although this is starting to sound really cliché and corny and not at all useful, I believe it’s true and that it’s probably the only way for anyone to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Dream big but also dream realistically. Ironic I know, but being practical and reasonable doesn’t necessarily take away your big dreams. Learn what your capabilities are but also be aware of your weaknesses. Most importantly, stay open to the opportunities that come your way.

Although getting off social media for a while may be helpful now, but a change in attitude is what will come in handy in the long run. I don’t want to come off sounding like I have any idea at all what I’m doing with my life, but I want you to know that I am trying to do what I think I should be doing and I’d like to believe that I’m heading in the right direction.

As for those of us who don’t have clear vision of a dream yet, I can’t say for sure, but I think we’ll get there.

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The torture of having a fickle mind

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An unrelated self portrait

Happy 2015!

Ahh, a new year. Can’t you just smell that sweet scent of hopes and dreams and positivity? Like something magically great is waiting for you?

Nope. not really.

By now it’s probably quite clear that this blog is a place for me to keep my ugly thoughts; rants, complaints, frustrations. It spreads negativity but what can I say, I’m only inspired to write when I’m unhappy.

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I feel like I have the world’s most fickle mind and it drives me crazy.

I would make a seemingly important decision, usually something to do with what I want to do with my life or achieving a goal and then change my mind about it almost as soon as I make that decision.

Sometimes I have a few good productive days where I get a lot of work done, it would make me feel that I might be on to something new and exciting and a feeling of satisfaction overwhelms me, like “Hey, you’re finally getting there.” Then shit happens and it can completely throw me 10 steps behind from where I started, leaving me feeling like a hopeless wreck. This happens so often it’s almost funny (except it’s not) and it’s probably something to do with how I’m so insanely easily influenced by my surroundings.

You know what’s the best part? My fickle mind is best friends with my indecisiveness; I can’t decide on what I want because I’m indecisive, and I keep changing my mind about it because I’m so fickle. I swear the both of them are always scheming at the back of my mind on how to make my life a little more miserable. I imagine these to be regular occurrences in my brain:

“Hey, let’s make her think that she can actually pass her exams and then completely take that away from her. I bet that would be hilarious!”
“Genius! Perfect timing since she’s going through that PMS thing now. Do it!”

“Dude, she’s deciding on which cake to get. The red velvet looks terribly dry, let’s make her take forever to decide and then make her pick that one.”
“Sweet! She’s gonna regret it so bad! Hah!”

Absolute dicks, I tell ya’.

This fickle mind of mine (that rhymed so hard I can’t even) makes me confused because every time it takes certainty and confidence away from me, I’m left a little more lost than the previous time. It’s so discouraging and it made me very dispassionate. I came to a point where I was really questioning the point of my life and human lives in general too.

I paid a little more attention to other people’s lives on social media platforms to see how everyone else was going about their lives. We were going on vacations, drinking overpriced coffee at fancy cafes, eating sushi and posting them all over the net, but what are we doing?  Are we just living, day in day out?

It’s a bit depressing to think that some, if not most of us are just going through the motions of living, but I think that that might be the case; getting a job, getting your first pay check, spending that money, getting married, having children, updating Facebook/Instagram, earn more money, spend more money, die.

What’s the point? Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m living this life for myself or someone else.

Well to be fair, no one ever said that there was a point. Frankly, we don’t even know if we’ve been put here for a reason. If you think about it though, it’s not all that relevant. There are many things we can change in the course of our lives but we were never given a choice on life itself; it was just handed to us as a gift we can’t return. Unless for whatever reason I die before my time, I’m going to have way too many years left for me to think that there is no purpose to a human life, so I should be making the best out of it instead (oh god, I cringed at how utterly corny that sounded).

It’s not to say that I’m completely contented with that but I’m going to try my best to be consistent and focus, stay on the right track, have my eyes on the prize etcetera etcetera, all that typical shit. On top of that though, I’m going to try to stay in control of my emotions because god knows if I don’t, it’s going to spiral out of control (like last year).

Napoleon Hill says, “You are the master of your destiny. You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.” Although it kinda makes me wanna go “Wow you really had life figured out there, didn’t you buddy?”, I shall (attempt to) contain the sarcasm and cynicism in me and well, keep that in mind.

Inspiration Wednesday

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Shia Labeouf, GQ magazine 2008

Not entirely a huge fan of Shia Labeouf but when I first saw this set of pictures I was very drawn to them. For someone who watched him and has always imagined him as the annoying kid from Even Stevens, it’s refreshing to see him all scruffy and manly.

This editorial was my main inspiration for the photo shoot I did with a good friend of mine last year in Ikea. He was being such a good sport squeezing himself into my dad’s wedding vest, hah, good times.

I haven’t done many photo shoots, but this is one of my favourites.

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Again, picture quality not at its best cause I saved these pictures from my Facebook album as the originals are back in Malaysia.

Black and Gold

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Sweater : Gift from a friend
Blazer : Thrifted
Jeggings : Mango
Boots : Primark

Clearly photo quality isn’t at it’s best this time round, it was getting dark and I had to up the ISO, not to mention it was so so cold, I didn’t bother to take time to tweak the settings on my camera. But we did manage to catch the beautiful sunset.

The sweater is a birthday gift from a very good friend of mine, which I like very much. Although it isn’t exactly flattering, I really fell in love with the details. Thanks Christina!

I’m wearing this oversized blazer for the first time, and I doubt I’ll be wearing it again any time soon. It’s very thin and it’s of absolutely no help in keeping me warm. It’s definitely too big for me, but when I saw it at the thrift store I couldn’t resist, plus it was super cheap.

I honestly wonder if I could keep up with the outfit posts, it simply is too cold to go out without layering up till I look like a ball.

We’ll see. Busy week ahead! Signing off =)

Inspiration Wednesday

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“The Shelter of Solitude” : Mica Arganaraz : Ben Trovaco

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Portraits: Zoe Colivas (Elite Paris) by Toma B.

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“Belle de Jour” : Eniko Mihalik : Vogue Spain September 2012 : Vincent Peter

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Portraits : Diana Silchenko

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Editorial Exclusive: “Pearls like These” : Alice Aufray : Kneon Magazine #4 August 2012 : Clarens Tyson

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Kate Moss by Sonia Sieff for Elle France August 2012

I can’t quite put a finger on what my “style” is. That is, if I have any at all. But, no matter what the current type of look I’m into is, I find myself being drawn back to simplicity – the basics.

I own a Canon 500D and later on bought an 85mm lens. I personally love doing portrait photography, although I’m not all that great. I love the whole idea of capturing someone’s facial features and expressions beautifully – pigments of perfection, flaw and emotion.

Now, if only I can find someone to photograph.