That empty spot between Greg (my guitar) and that bowl of dragon fruit is where I’ve been sitting all day, listening to instrumental study playlists from 8tracks, learning to play a song and typing away here.
It’s been a long time coming, hasn’t it? I wish I could say that I’m back here feeling energized and refreshed and am now full of ideas, but in actual fact I’m just here to rant about things that I’ve kept inside for a long time. It’s something that I can’t really bring myself to talk to anyone in person about because it would come out of my mouth sounding kind of dumb, so here I am.
Before anything else is said, I’d just like to point out that my bed sheet is not an accurate reflection of my personality. I’m not a girly girl, at least, not that much.
So I’ve just finished my exams and am now waiting for my results
A few of you may know that sometime last year after a couple of months into my Certificate of Legal Practice course, I suffered from a quarter life crisis when I realized that I have chosen the wrong course to study. It was depressing and I felt like I was losing my mind. It was also quite ridiculous considering the fact that I’ve already gotten my law degree. There was a lot of regret and self-pity at that point, but I managed to snap out of it after a few weeks and made it all the way to my exams. I studied and studied, but during my first paper I blanked out and after finishing my second paper (the easiest one) and realizing that I’ve made a really big and stupid mistake, I lost all willpower to continue sitting for the last three papers. I still dragged myself to the exam hall, but my heart wasn’t in it any more.
Before the exams, I thought that there was at least a 50% chance that I would pass so that I could move on and begin my gap year, but now I’m just sitting here waiting for bad news. Before the exams, I was looking forward to this holiday so much there were times where I couldn’t even contain my excitement, but now I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo. Should I re-sit? Should I just fuck it? What effect would this have on my life later on?
I told myself that after the exam, I wasn’t going to be afraid any more, and that this time I was going to put myself on an adventure, try new things, meet new people, to make things happen for myself and not be socially awkward any more, but now I’m more afraid of failing than ever.
I’ve mentioned this one time on my Facebook before that I have a ridiculous fear of making decisions, and this has made me almost hate making any sort of decision. I avoid it as much as I can and when I actually do need to make one, I change my mind a dozen of times before finally coming to a final decision.
And we’re talking about deciding on really really small things *rolls eyes*
Basically there’s a list of things that I want to do but there are so many things on that list that I can’t even decide on which to start with, so I’m currently not doing any of them. It’s like I keep waiting for something; am I waiting for my results? What exactly am I doing with my fucking life?
A lot of the time I get quite envious of people who are naturally talented (something I’m really trying to work on); someone who can sing very well, someone who can draw very well, or someone who can write very well.
Someone who knows what they want to do with their life.
I wish so much that I had that, because I’m a firm believer that people should do what they love and love what they do. I want so bad to be able to do something really well so that I would have a clearer picture of what I want out of life and the direction I should be in in order to achieve that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful with what I have and most of the time I’m very contented with many other aspects of my life. I’m just really struggling with “finding myself” right now, and there’s an overwhelming fear that that might never happen, or worse still, realizing that there was never really much to find right from the beginning.
On top of all that, I feel like my youth is slipping through my fingers, and that there are already many things that are no longer an option for me, like taking another course, or trying to graduate with another degree.
I’m feeling so restless and uninspired. I want to make a drastic change, but I’m too scared of the unknown.
I am the epitome of a wuss, a wuss trying to run under water; sluggish and heavy because fear pulls me back every time I try to make a change.
Well that felt a lot better, hah. I’m happy that I have a place here to let off some frustration. Time for a snack =)