The torture of having a fickle mind

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An unrelated self portrait

Happy 2015!

Ahh, a new year. Can’t you just smell that sweet scent of hopes and dreams and positivity? Like something magically great is waiting for you?

Nope. not really.

By now it’s probably quite clear that this blog is a place for me to keep my ugly thoughts; rants, complaints, frustrations. It spreads negativity but what can I say, I’m only inspired to write when I’m unhappy.

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I feel like I have the world’s most fickle mind and it drives me crazy.

I would make a seemingly important decision, usually something to do with what I want to do with my life or achieving a goal and then change my mind about it almost as soon as I make that decision.

Sometimes I have a few good productive days where I get a lot of work done, it would make me feel that I might be on to something new and exciting and a feeling of satisfaction overwhelms me, like “Hey, you’re finally getting there.” Then shit happens and it can completely throw me 10 steps behind from where I started, leaving me feeling like a hopeless wreck. This happens so often it’s almost funny (except it’s not) and it’s probably something to do with how I’m so insanely easily influenced by my surroundings.

You know what’s the best part? My fickle mind is best friends with my indecisiveness; I can’t decide on what I want because I’m indecisive, and I keep changing my mind about it because I’m so fickle. I swear the both of them are always scheming at the back of my mind on how to make my life a little more miserable. I imagine these to be regular occurrences in my brain:

“Hey, let’s make her think that she can actually pass her exams and then completely take that away from her. I bet that would be hilarious!”
“Genius! Perfect timing since she’s going through that PMS thing now. Do it!”

“Dude, she’s deciding on which cake to get. The red velvet looks terribly dry, let’s make her take forever to decide and then make her pick that one.”
“Sweet! She’s gonna regret it so bad! Hah!”

Absolute dicks, I tell ya’.

This fickle mind of mine (that rhymed so hard I can’t even) makes me confused because every time it takes certainty and confidence away from me, I’m left a little more lost than the previous time. It’s so discouraging and it made me very dispassionate. I came to a point where I was really questioning the point of my life and human lives in general too.

I paid a little more attention to other people’s lives on social media platforms to see how everyone else was going about their lives. We were going on vacations, drinking overpriced coffee at fancy cafes, eating sushi and posting them all over the net, but what are we doing?  Are we just living, day in day out?

It’s a bit depressing to think that some, if not most of us are just going through the motions of living, but I think that that might be the case; getting a job, getting your first pay check, spending that money, getting married, having children, updating Facebook/Instagram, earn more money, spend more money, die.

What’s the point? Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m living this life for myself or someone else.

Well to be fair, no one ever said that there was a point. Frankly, we don’t even know if we’ve been put here for a reason. If you think about it though, it’s not all that relevant. There are many things we can change in the course of our lives but we were never given a choice on life itself; it was just handed to us as a gift we can’t return. Unless for whatever reason I die before my time, I’m going to have way too many years left for me to think that there is no purpose to a human life, so I should be making the best out of it instead (oh god, I cringed at how utterly corny that sounded).

It’s not to say that I’m completely contented with that but I’m going to try my best to be consistent and focus, stay on the right track, have my eyes on the prize etcetera etcetera, all that typical shit. On top of that though, I’m going to try to stay in control of my emotions because god knows if I don’t, it’s going to spiral out of control (like last year).

Napoleon Hill says, “You are the master of your destiny. You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.” Although it kinda makes me wanna go “Wow you really had life figured out there, didn’t you buddy?”, I shall (attempt to) contain the sarcasm and cynicism in me and well, keep that in mind.